I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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