I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
