just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
