Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
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