I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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