Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
