i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
