Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
