just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
