Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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