Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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