Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
