in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
