Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
honey bunches of taint.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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