life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
