Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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