The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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