walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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