There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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