Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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