My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
