maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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