Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
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