1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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