So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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