My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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