It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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