Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
