just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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