she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
