Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
