i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
