Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
