There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
