Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
