omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
