dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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