If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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