Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MIDGETS
????
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
