My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
