I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
