All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
