Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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