Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
