there's paper in my vomit.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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