Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
