this beer tastes like vomit already
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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