Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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