Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
