When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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