happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
