Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
